and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
