I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
