i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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