home. puking in laundry basket.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
