he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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