This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
