what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
