im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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