Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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