I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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