oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
