My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
