she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
