I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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