I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
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