He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
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then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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