Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
