all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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