I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
