Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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