I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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