Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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