I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
