i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
