My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you didnt know i had herpes?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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