if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
