i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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