I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
