I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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