Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
