Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
