We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
