So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
