dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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