i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
