I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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