we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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