He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Found the puke drawer
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
