Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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