is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
