I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
