I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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