He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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