My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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