wakey wakey hands off snakey
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Even my vagina gasped.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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