I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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