so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
