I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
