her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
