he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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