Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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