The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
