No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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