my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
