if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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