Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
