Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
