I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
