there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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