I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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